BestFriends … 10 questions you should ask your best friend if you’re not getting along right now
1. What just happened here?
It’s important to communicate when things get foggy. When you’re arguing with your BFF, the last thing you want to do is keep talking to them. But crazily enough, if you hash out what each of your are upset about, you might realize that you’re either fighting the same battle or struggling with an overall miscommunication. Ask them to sit down with you and calmly outline what the fight is about with the least amount of yelling and anger as possible. Only from this point can you move forward.
2. Can we share both of our perspectives?
When talking about what happened, you need to hear each other out. If you don’t get each other’s perspectives of the fight, then there’s no way to resolve what’s going on. It’s hard to not talk over someone when you think what they’re saying is wrong. But try to listen as best you can to what your friend is telling you. You both have to be the bigger person and take emotions out of it for this moment.
3. Will you be able to forgive me?
If this fight happened because of something you did, you will have to ask for forgiveness. In order to keep your friend around, you’ll have to put your pride to the side and accept that what you did was wrong. It sucks, but usually deep down you know admitting guilt is right. That karma will only aid you later in life.
4. Are you willing to change?
On the other hand, if this fight happened because of something your friend did, talk with them about how this fight will lead to them changing their behavior. It’ll take time to rebuild trust after something drastic happens between friends, but if the one at fault makes strides to help that trust reform, the friendship can be saved.
5. Do you believe in second chances?
OK, yeah. This question is corny AF, but to know where the friendship stands during and after a fight, you need to ask if your BFF believes in giving second chances. Giving the person at fault a second chance puts one’s heart out on the line again. But depending on the severity of the fight, a second chance is usually appropriate for someone who you see as your sister or brother.
5. What are you really upset about?
In any relationship, people usually harbor emotions about certain things or annoyances the other person in the relationship has done. Finally, those annoyances pile up and one small comment can tip the pile over and cause a massive blowout. Are you really mad at me for not texting you back this morning or is this just the final straw that is breaking the camel’s back? If you’re trying to resolve the fight, you have to figure out where the root of the problem lies, because it might be deeper than it seems.
7. Should we take a break?
Sometimes the confrontation or conversation does not resolve the fight. If this is the case, it might be a good idea to take a break from the friendship. Don’t text or call for a few days or a week and see how day-to-day life goes. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as they say, and this absence will also allow you to try to see things from each other’s perspective. If your grudge continues after that week and you’re not missing your BFF as much as you thought you would, then it might be a good idea to continue the break until you’ve both calmed down and can get together civilly and calmly agree to disagree.
8. How can we resolve this?
After both sides are out on the table, take a step back and objectively ask how you two are going to solve the problem. As mentioned before, you might agree to disagree. Are either one of you going to admit fault and promise to change? Or are you going to leave it alone and sweep it under the rug, only to pull it out later during your next fight? Whatever works for you two, that’s the decision that has to be made.
9. What can I do to make you feel better?
Even after resolution, things can remain tense. Ask your friend if there’s something you two can do to ease the stress. Perhaps you can go get coffee, or go shopping. Having fun in a public setting and interacting with other people is a great way to raise spirits and get back to sharing happiness between you. Even making your friend a little gift, or sending a reassuring note can ease tension. Use your imagination on this one.
10. Can we be friends again?
A petty fight can easily be forgotten by this one simple question. The love between best friends can usually trump the fire of the fight and you’ll both realize that it’s more important to have the friendship than to stubbornly remain angry over something dumb. Don’t use this question as a way to avoid confrontation, though. That can lead to pent up frustration and could destroy the relationship further down the road.
Call up your friend and start figuring out how to get our from under this dark cloud. It’s no use holding grudges because they just make life more difficult. Learning to healthily handle confrontation and upset is something that will come in useful in every relationship you have. Resolving a conflict with your best friend is worth the discomfort you feel in admitting guilt or rehashing a problem you have with them. They’re your best friend for a reason, so don’t push that love out of your life if you can avoid it.
How Do I Begin?
- I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think will help us work together more effectively.
- I’d like to talk about ____________ with you, but first I’d like to get your point of view.
- I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?
- I need your help with something. Can we talk about it (soon)? If the person says, “Sure, let me get back to you,” follow up with him.
- I think we have different perceptions about _____________________. I’d like to hear your thinking on this.
- I’d like to talk about ___________________. I think we may have different ideas about how to _____________________.
- I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my perspective as well.
Resources
From Article on HelloGiggles, by Olivia Harvey (Olivia is a freelance writer and award-winning screenwriter)
Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict, by Judy Ringer
The Magic of Conflict, by Thomas F. Crum
Difficult Conversations, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen
Crucial Conversations, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
FAQs about Conflict, by Judy Ringer